Strengths and Weaknesses

Turns out children are individuals. They are TOTALLY different. Even twins are completely different.

Back Story:
We've had a long last couple of days. Saturday night we went to a friends house and the kids didn't go to bed until almost 10:30 which is way past bed time. Then yesterday we went to my parents house and they played with a bunch of their cousins. We got home about 7 which is pretty much bed time. Needless to say the kids were EXHAUSTED.

All of them needed showers before they went to bed so we were preparing for that. I told Ellie to pick out jammies and get ready to take a shower. She didn't want to pick out jammies. Then she wanted someone to be with her. This turned into a full blown tantrum. Ellie tantrums are exhausting and frustrating (as most of them are.) But this little girl is determined, smart, stubborn, and persistent. She will continue to cry/ask for the same thing over and over during a tantrum. You can ask her a question and she refuses to answer it. She will continue to repeat the same statement over and over. I know this sounds like a regular tantrum, but and Ellie tantrum is worse than a Ben tantrum or a Will tantrum. An Ellie tantrum is a battle of wills. And hers is STRONG. Which is something that I love about her. I want her to always have that determination and strong will. We have had to learn how to deal with it. She needs to know there are boundaries. She needs to know that she is being heard and is allowed to be angry but she has to learn to control it. She needs consistency. She's like a wild mare. She has so much strength and power in her she just needs to know how to reign it in when needed. She needs to know who is in control and how far she is allowed to push things. If you give into her tantrums she is ten times worse the next time. When she learns to control her determination, strong will, persistence and stubbornness she will go far in life. Jim is amazing dealing with her. He is patient and strong. He knows how to calm her down and he's able to help her to control her anger. I learn so much from watching him with her.

Will is totally different than her. He gets overwhelmed easily. He is super sensitive and super smart. He is surprisingly smart. When he gets upset he freaks out. His isn't because he wants to control the situation like his sister. He does want things to go his way but not because he wants to control things. In dealing with Will you have to remove him from the situation. When he gets upset its like his senses have gone on overload. Even if you gave him what he wanted he'd still have a hard time calming down. He needs to completely leave the room. Sometimes you have to sit with him and have him take big deep breaths. We have to help him refocus his frustration.

Ben is very emotional. He is very caring and loving. Trust is very big with him. If you tell him something is going to happen it NEEDS to happen. He has a hard time understanding when you tell him "no" its for a reason it's not just because you don't love him. He takes every "no" personally. With Ben you have to explain to him the reason you are telling him no and let him know that you still love him he just can't do x, y or z. He wants to please everyone. He is very concerned about people liking him - whether its us, his friends, his teachers, etc. With him we need to help him gain more self confidence.

Our kids are so unique. They are all so much fun and we love them each so much. Its quite a learning experience in handling each one of them. What works with one doesn't work with another. In fact sometimes what is the right thing to do with one of them is complete wrong thing to do for the other. I'm so grateful that I have such a wonderful husband who is so patient with them (and me).

Does it get easier?

One of my main questions when the twins were born was always "Does it get easier?" I remember people would stop me when I was out with all of the kids and they would say "I have twins too! But mine are XX age now" I would always ask them my most pressing question (especially when the twins were under a year) "Does it ever get easier?" They would always give me that knowing look and say "it gets easier in some ways and harder in others"

You know what? They were right. I have to say that first year was the hardest. When the twins were babies it took everything out of me just to make it through each day. Especially with Will's reflux. When he had a bad day I wasn't sure how I was going to survive. Lack of sleep, three kids needing their mom, a house that needed cleaning, a husband working two jobs, hoping to shower at least every once in awhile, etc. Saying it was hard is an understatement.

Years two and three were easier but hard in their own ways. Terrible twos x two was not fun. Potty training x two - an adventure (although Ellie only took about a week. Will still has issues at times)

The twins are now 4 and Ben is 6. I have to say it really is a lot easier now. We still have temper tantrums and learning to share issues. But over all I have to say IT DOES GET EASIER!!!

They are now (not that they weren't always) very opinionated. Now they can voice them and they do - Loudly at times. But they are so much fun! It's been awesome to see their personalities develop. All three of them are so different. They all have a great sense of humor and make me laugh every day. I love how much they love each other. With three there does seem to be one left out alot of the time. Usually it's Will but he's pretty content to play with his Thomas Trains alone. He loves trains and waterfalls.  Ben and Ellie are usually off playing Avengers. (She is quite the tomboy. She HATES all things girly and is convinced she is someday going to marry Captain America lol) Ben is in first grade and loves Math and science. He doesn't love writing but likes to read.

If I could give a new twin parent any advice it would be

• Remember this too shall pass. The first year is hard.
• Recruit as much help as possible.
• Find time for yourself to rejuvinate you. It will benefit your children as much as yourself.
• You are not alone in this.
• Dont try to do it all.
• Take as many pictures as you can - the time really does fly quickly and you will forget how tiny they used to be.
• Hug your babies often.
• Encourage your children to grow up to be whatever THEY want to be. Not whatever YOU want them to be. Everyone will be much happier.

I am no way an expert on raising twins but I did survive the first four years and you will too!!

Randomness

Random #1

I get so busy with the twins that I've had to come up with things that Ben can do on his own. I went to Target the other day and got him a Rubbermaid tote and a bunch of plastic fish, rubber duckies and boats. I fill the Rubbermaid tote up with water and let him play with all of it on the porch. Yesterday I heard him call me while he was out there so I looked and this is what I found...

The poor boy's swimming pool

Random #2

I love living behind my parents (we live in a guest house in their back yard) It really has come in handy while having the twins. Either Ben, the twins and I go up to visit them or they come to visit us just about every night. It's so nice to have extra hands in helping with the babies. Ben loves his "Branka" (Grandpa) and Grandma. I don't think I could have survived the last two months without their help. My mom comes out every other night to help give the babies a bath and every morning to pack my c-section incision - after 2 months it still isn't completely healed. 2 weeks after the c-section they had to reopen it because it was healing from the outside first. They said it would take 6-8 weeks to heal. It's been 10 weeks and still not healed. grrr)

Three of my favorite men.

My dad, Ben and Will

Random #3

On June 30 2003 we found out we hadn't gotten selected for the INCIID the Heart program (an IVF scholarship program) This is what I wrote on my website from that day

"Well they made their decision and picked four of the seven applicants and we were not among the four. I don't know how I can handle this. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my body. I feel like my chance at Motherhood keeps slipping further and further away. It gets close every now and then, almost within reach but then it gets ripped away right out of my hands. I never thought someone could feel this much pain. I feel like I've miscarried again. Am I not fit to be a mother? Would we not be good parents? Why were we chosen for this path? It's such a horrible thought that we may never be able to give our parents grandchildren. We may never know the joy of holding our own child. We may never have our own grandchildren. Our branch of the family tree just may end here. Oh how I don't want that to happen. I want to wake up every night with crying babies. I want to kiss their tears away and calm their fears. I want to be able to share in first teeth, first words and first steps. I want to hear someone say "Mommy" and have them talking about me. I want to be able to give Jim babies and make him a Dad. I wonder if it will ever happen. Part of me dies a little every time we get rejected"

On August 30, 2003 we were selected for the program and now 5 years later we are the proud parents of 3 kids. I don't think I ever believed we'd have 3 kids. I desperately wanted at least one and couldn't bear to look past that. My children are my life and I am so grateful for them. I feel so blessed. I can't imagine my life any other way.

Holding my Babies