Random Thoughts

I've had lots of random thoughts swirling around in my head for awhile now. I've been meaning to write this post and keep telling myself I need to just sit down and write but my procrastination (fancy word for just plain lazy) keeps kicking in and I never get it written. I've decided to force myself to just sit down and write....

I think I've mentioned before that I suffer from Very low self esteem. I have for most of my life. All I've ever wanted to do was to have people like me. Not just certain people but EVERYONE. Everyone has to like me or there's something wrong with me. (Now logically, I know this isn't true. I know it's not possible or fair to expect everyone to like me. But that evil voice inside my head keeps telling me this)

I also hate to fail. Its not that I'm competitive. In fact, I feel bad if I win because then someone else loses but I also feel bad if I lose. (kinda takes the fun out of playing games huh? lol) The hating to fail part of me can be very crippling at times. Instead of risk failing at something 9 times out of 10 I will chose not to do it so I don't have to worry about failure or looking bad or whatever.

I struggle with this in my photography. I'm so afraid of not being good enough. Not having people want to hire me or like my pictures etc that part of me doesn't want to actually forge ahead with the business end of this. (Plus I struggle with not feeling like I'm good enough. I do try not to compare myself to others. I know that is detrimental to me but there are times I can't help it.) I compare myself to all levels of photographers. Even ones who've had YEARS of experience.

I look at their thriving businesses and wish I had that. Then I remember the risk it takes, You have to put yourself out there. You have to interact with people. You have to risk not being liked. Nope, Not there yet. All I can see is that I'm not good enough. I don't know flash well enough (I still can't seem to grasp it and so far I have yet to have a class that really explains it. They sort of explain it but they don't get totally in depth with it and it just hasn't clicked yet. The pieces are starting to come together but I feel like I'm missing a ton of the pieces so it just doesn't come together completely.) I  don't know how to come up with the great poses. I don't know many great locations.... I could come up with a million reasons I'm not good enough.

I know I am the thing that is holding me back from being successful. I know if I could overcome ME I could do it. But there is one thing I am strong at it's weakness. My weakness and self doubt is so strong that its overwhelming. There are days it takes over everything I do. There are other days that it stays quiet, lurking in the background, waiting for the right moment to take over.

I want to be self confident, self assure, strong, and successful. I'm just not sure how to overcome this. I've felt this way for as long as I can remember. How do you change the way you've thought for 35 years?

I'm not sure where I thought this post was going to go but I didn't think this was where it was headed. I thought it was going to go with my Agoraphobia but apparently this is what was supposed to come out instead.

Does it get easier?

One of my main questions when the twins were born was always "Does it get easier?" I remember people would stop me when I was out with all of the kids and they would say "I have twins too! But mine are XX age now" I would always ask them my most pressing question (especially when the twins were under a year) "Does it ever get easier?" They would always give me that knowing look and say "it gets easier in some ways and harder in others"

You know what? They were right. I have to say that first year was the hardest. When the twins were babies it took everything out of me just to make it through each day. Especially with Will's reflux. When he had a bad day I wasn't sure how I was going to survive. Lack of sleep, three kids needing their mom, a house that needed cleaning, a husband working two jobs, hoping to shower at least every once in awhile, etc. Saying it was hard is an understatement.

Years two and three were easier but hard in their own ways. Terrible twos x two was not fun. Potty training x two - an adventure (although Ellie only took about a week. Will still has issues at times)

The twins are now 4 and Ben is 6. I have to say it really is a lot easier now. We still have temper tantrums and learning to share issues. But over all I have to say IT DOES GET EASIER!!!

They are now (not that they weren't always) very opinionated. Now they can voice them and they do - Loudly at times. But they are so much fun! It's been awesome to see their personalities develop. All three of them are so different. They all have a great sense of humor and make me laugh every day. I love how much they love each other. With three there does seem to be one left out alot of the time. Usually it's Will but he's pretty content to play with his Thomas Trains alone. He loves trains and waterfalls.  Ben and Ellie are usually off playing Avengers. (She is quite the tomboy. She HATES all things girly and is convinced she is someday going to marry Captain America lol) Ben is in first grade and loves Math and science. He doesn't love writing but likes to read.

If I could give a new twin parent any advice it would be

• Remember this too shall pass. The first year is hard.
• Recruit as much help as possible.
• Find time for yourself to rejuvinate you. It will benefit your children as much as yourself.
• You are not alone in this.
• Dont try to do it all.
• Take as many pictures as you can - the time really does fly quickly and you will forget how tiny they used to be.
• Hug your babies often.
• Encourage your children to grow up to be whatever THEY want to be. Not whatever YOU want them to be. Everyone will be much happier.

I am no way an expert on raising twins but I did survive the first four years and you will too!!

More than Dryer lint

Things I have recently found in my dryer:

• GoGo's
• rocks
• Chap stick (unfortunately on more than one occasion)
• a SD memory card
• a couple of Squinkies
• rocks
• a box cutter
• coins (on the rare occasion)
• dollars (on the even *rarer occasion) 
• rocks
• keys
• a ball point pen
• a small notepad
• more rocks
• an orange crayon. Or at least what was left of one.

Apparently I need to go through pockets more often.

Update

I just wanted to let Abby and Lori know I mail off their prizes today. Let me know when you get them so I can upload pictures of them. I want them to be a surprise so I can't do it yet.

The Curse has struck again.

We put rug B back out in the living room three days ago.

Last night the dog barfed on it.

I think I'm done with rugs.

Expectations

I have found as a parent you have to throw out all your expectations.

Before you have kids (as least this is true for me) I KNEW exactly how things were going to be.
My kids wouldn't be THOSE kids. Mine would listen and never talk back. They would be confident and self assured. They would eat everything I told them to. They would have perfect teeth and sleep all through the night from day one. They would never throw tantrums, especially not in the store. They would always stay near the cart and never whine. They wouldn't have pacifiers after the first year. They would would be potty trained by two.
My girls would be girlie. They would love to dress up in pretty dresses. They would play with barbies and babies, They would love princess movies and all things princess-ey. But they would be tough. They would be able defend themselves as well.
My boys would be tough too. They would love cars and superheros. They would love to build things. They would love bugs and dogs. But they would be sweet. They would bring me flowers and give me kisses.

In addition to all of this I knew that even if they weren't exactly what I expected I could at least control me. I knew that because I had gone through infertility and desperately wanted these precious children, that I would always be loving and patient with them. I wouldn't yell or scream.

Like I said you have to throw out all of your expectations. There are many times that my children really are THOSE children. They do throw tantrums, even in the store. I am routinuely outnumbered so I do lose my patience with them more than I'd like to admit. They are some of the world's pickiest eaters. The twins still have pacifiers (although they know Saturday is the last day for them) They aren't potty trained. (We are slowly working on that.)

Ellie is no where near a girlie girl lol. She hates dresses, princesses, barbies, and baby dolls (most of the time). She loves Captain America, superheros, ninjas, zombies, pirates, swords, guns, and the color pink. She is tougher than tough. She is my daredevil who will usually try anything. She is a spitfire and is my child who loves "potty talk." She thinks the word poop is HILARIOUS.

It used to bother  me a little that Ellie wasn't as girlie as I had expected, but it doesn't bother me anymore. I'd still love to dress her in pretty dresses but I get such a kick out of seeing what she comes up with. She's so much fun. There"s never a dull moment around here.

Life isnt what I expected but I couldn't imagine it any other way.

These feet were made for walking

and that's just what they'll do! 

One of these days these twins are going to walk all over you.

LOL 

My babies are walking!!! I got home last night and Will let go of the tv and walked to the middle of the living room. He's been doing it all day today. He keeps letting go of stuff and just walking.

Today Ellie (who has refused to walk TO people - or even take more than two steps) stood up and took 10 steps all by herself across the living room. She still will only walk when SHE wants to and doesn't walk to anyone but she can do it.


Other News:

We are putting an offer on a house tomorrow. I don't want to say much more about it right now because we've been disappointed so much lately in regards to home buying. But if you could put some prayers or good thoughts in for us we'd really appreciate it. We really want this house.

So big!

I can't believe how big the babies are getting! At their one year appointment Will weighed 22lbs and Ellie weighed 16lbs. She's still tiny for her age but she's grown so much. 
They are crusing all over everything. Will has taken a couple steps on his own - multiple times. Ellie has taken one or two steps,  but she can stand on her own for quite some time. 


They sure do keep me on my toes. This morning I turned around and saw this:

Yep, That's Ellie standing ON her toy. She thought she was so big. She may not be able to walk but that little girl sure can climb...

Will's favorite thing to do is to turn off the TV. We put the toy box in front of the TV to discourage this. As you can see: 

 

In Ben news - My big boy is going to start preschool in September!! I can't

believe he's so big. He'll be going 3 days a week from 9 -12. I think it's going to be harder for me than it will be for him. 

He is learning to draw and loves to get his hands on anything he can draw with. A couple weeks ago he was using his Magna Doodle and drew a picture of our cat Wally.

 

I think it's a pretty good picture :)

Where have my babies gone? They are all growing up so fast!!

The post with no name

I started this post a week or so ago and just haven't been able to finish it. So I figured I would try to finish it and get it posted. Here goes:

It's been too long since I posted. For some reason I can't seem to find anything to post about. Actually that's not true, There's been stuff to blog about. But I get writers block every time I try to start. Here's our life in bullet points:

• 
  
  Will has 6 teeth now.
• 
  
  Ellie has 4 teeth.
• 
  
  Will can pull himself up on furniture and cruise around.
• 
  
  Will can also crawl on his hands and knees. Up until today he would just do the army crawl.
• 
  
  We've all been sick. Jim got it first, then Ben, Will and me. Ellie barely got sick at all. Jim got it the worst.
• 
  
  Jim almost lost his job but it seems pretty ok now.
• 
  
  Will bit me three or four times while nursing and my right breast was so painful that you can barely touch it. It made me almost cry to nurse on that side. There were two little holes where he bit me. It looked like I was nursing Reneseme (LOL that's for Twilight fans. - I just reread Breaking Dawn) The pediatrician (I mentioned it during an appointment for Ben and the ped knew we were in between primary care doctors so he checked me out. AWESOME DR! ) gave me an antibiotic to cure the infection which took away the pain. Will hasn't bit me in over a week thank goodness! I would cringe every time I'd go to nurse him because I was so scared of being bit again. It was REALLY Painful!
• 
  
  Ellie knows how to clap when you say "Yeah!"
• 
  
  Ellie will copy me and Ben when we shake our head and say "No! No! No!"
• 
  
  Ben had a horrible rash. On his front and his back. I took him to the doctor and it turns out his excema has returned. He gave me a prescription for a cream and told me to coat him in lotion. ( should have remembered that's what we had to do when he was little)
• 
  
  Ellie can pull herself up to standing. We had to lower her crib on Monday. She was still at the highest setting until then.
• 
  
  Ellie can't resist a laundry basket. If there is a full one near her she has to empty it. There's one next to her crib and today when I went in to get her up from her "nap" (she didn't sleep) There were two towels and two sleeper jammies in her crib.
• Will said "Mama" today. (I can't say for certain that he knew what he was saying but I was down the hall and he saw me and started crawling to me and he said "MaMa"
• We went on a  tour of a preschool the other day. Ben will be going in Sept. I think he's pretty excited about it. (Not that I think he's really aware of what preschool is. He knows preschool is learning and fun but he doesn't understand this preschool isn't at our house and Mommy isn't going to be there. )

I think that is our updated life. Now for the part you are really here for - PICTURES:

Standing in their crib (no he's really not THAT much taller than her. I think he's on his toes)

Ellie's stink face

Will trying to watch tv over the table

Ben's monster face

Will's First mohawk

Ben

Ben's rash

My Boys

Ben painting a volcano

Jim and Ben ( I LOVE THIS PICTURE)

Ellie with her crazy smile in the laundry

Say what?!

We went to Super Target today. It was just Jim, Me and the babies. Ben stayed home with Grandma and Grandpa. (He had a blast he got to run through the sprinklers in just a shirt and swim diaper - his pants were a little big and kept falling off lol)

Here is a list of things that people said to me while we were there:

"Can I have one? You have two." - um, no I'm not prone to giving away my children to strangers.
"Are they twins?" - (This one I do give a little slack on because I could be watching someone else's kid) But it was followed with
"I wondered because he is bigger than she is" - He's not that much bigger than she is. It would be impossible for me to be pregnant twice in such a little amount of time to have two infants - one in newborn clothes and one in 0-3 month clothes.
"Do you ever get time to yourself?"- Nope I can't say that I do.
"One's a boy and One's a girl right?" - Mind you Ellie was dressed in purple with ruffles and Will in either green and orange and Ellie ALWAYS has a hairbow on (proof)
(Surprisingly enough this one wasn't said today but its my personal favorite and it usually comes right after the above question -
"Are they identical?" - Let me explain the meaning of the word "Identical" If one has a penis and one has a vagina they CANNOT be identical.
"You're done right?" - for the record - yes but is it really any of your business? Did I ask you if you were done?
and the ever popular
"Wow, you have your hands full!"

Most of the time I don't mind the questions/attention. There were just a lot today.

Randomness

Random #1

I get so busy with the twins that I've had to come up with things that Ben can do on his own. I went to Target the other day and got him a Rubbermaid tote and a bunch of plastic fish, rubber duckies and boats. I fill the Rubbermaid tote up with water and let him play with all of it on the porch. Yesterday I heard him call me while he was out there so I looked and this is what I found...

The poor boy's swimming pool

Random #2

I love living behind my parents (we live in a guest house in their back yard) It really has come in handy while having the twins. Either Ben, the twins and I go up to visit them or they come to visit us just about every night. It's so nice to have extra hands in helping with the babies. Ben loves his "Branka" (Grandpa) and Grandma. I don't think I could have survived the last two months without their help. My mom comes out every other night to help give the babies a bath and every morning to pack my c-section incision - after 2 months it still isn't completely healed. 2 weeks after the c-section they had to reopen it because it was healing from the outside first. They said it would take 6-8 weeks to heal. It's been 10 weeks and still not healed. grrr)

Three of my favorite men.

My dad, Ben and Will

Random #3

On June 30 2003 we found out we hadn't gotten selected for the INCIID the Heart program (an IVF scholarship program) This is what I wrote on my website from that day

"Well they made their decision and picked four of the seven applicants and we were not among the four. I don't know how I can handle this. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my body. I feel like my chance at Motherhood keeps slipping further and further away. It gets close every now and then, almost within reach but then it gets ripped away right out of my hands. I never thought someone could feel this much pain. I feel like I've miscarried again. Am I not fit to be a mother? Would we not be good parents? Why were we chosen for this path? It's such a horrible thought that we may never be able to give our parents grandchildren. We may never know the joy of holding our own child. We may never have our own grandchildren. Our branch of the family tree just may end here. Oh how I don't want that to happen. I want to wake up every night with crying babies. I want to kiss their tears away and calm their fears. I want to be able to share in first teeth, first words and first steps. I want to hear someone say "Mommy" and have them talking about me. I want to be able to give Jim babies and make him a Dad. I wonder if it will ever happen. Part of me dies a little every time we get rejected"

On August 30, 2003 we were selected for the program and now 5 years later we are the proud parents of 3 kids. I don't think I ever believed we'd have 3 kids. I desperately wanted at least one and couldn't bear to look past that. My children are my life and I am so grateful for them. I feel so blessed. I can't imagine my life any other way.

Holding my Babies