Random Thoughts

I've had lots of random thoughts swirling around in my head for awhile now. I've been meaning to write this post and keep telling myself I need to just sit down and write but my procrastination (fancy word for just plain lazy) keeps kicking in and I never get it written. I've decided to force myself to just sit down and write....

I think I've mentioned before that I suffer from Very low self esteem. I have for most of my life. All I've ever wanted to do was to have people like me. Not just certain people but EVERYONE. Everyone has to like me or there's something wrong with me. (Now logically, I know this isn't true. I know it's not possible or fair to expect everyone to like me. But that evil voice inside my head keeps telling me this)

I also hate to fail. Its not that I'm competitive. In fact, I feel bad if I win because then someone else loses but I also feel bad if I lose. (kinda takes the fun out of playing games huh? lol) The hating to fail part of me can be very crippling at times. Instead of risk failing at something 9 times out of 10 I will chose not to do it so I don't have to worry about failure or looking bad or whatever.

I struggle with this in my photography. I'm so afraid of not being good enough. Not having people want to hire me or like my pictures etc that part of me doesn't want to actually forge ahead with the business end of this. (Plus I struggle with not feeling like I'm good enough. I do try not to compare myself to others. I know that is detrimental to me but there are times I can't help it.) I compare myself to all levels of photographers. Even ones who've had YEARS of experience.

I look at their thriving businesses and wish I had that. Then I remember the risk it takes, You have to put yourself out there. You have to interact with people. You have to risk not being liked. Nope, Not there yet. All I can see is that I'm not good enough. I don't know flash well enough (I still can't seem to grasp it and so far I have yet to have a class that really explains it. They sort of explain it but they don't get totally in depth with it and it just hasn't clicked yet. The pieces are starting to come together but I feel like I'm missing a ton of the pieces so it just doesn't come together completely.) I  don't know how to come up with the great poses. I don't know many great locations.... I could come up with a million reasons I'm not good enough.

I know I am the thing that is holding me back from being successful. I know if I could overcome ME I could do it. But there is one thing I am strong at it's weakness. My weakness and self doubt is so strong that its overwhelming. There are days it takes over everything I do. There are other days that it stays quiet, lurking in the background, waiting for the right moment to take over.

I want to be self confident, self assure, strong, and successful. I'm just not sure how to overcome this. I've felt this way for as long as I can remember. How do you change the way you've thought for 35 years?

I'm not sure where I thought this post was going to go but I didn't think this was where it was headed. I thought it was going to go with my Agoraphobia but apparently this is what was supposed to come out instead.