Skipping Ahead to our vacation

I decided to skip the rest of the buying of the house. It was frustrating and aggravating but it's finally over. We now have our house and we are all settled in. Our friends Todd and Anna came from California to visit last week. We spent three days down in Savannah. It was hot and humid but so much fun!

We went to Tybee Island to play at the beach. I was amazed at how fearless the kids were. They are so much more confident in the water. (Which can scare mommy!) They loved finding sea shells. I found a crab in a shell, which everyone had a blast watching. Will found a crab claw and he thought it was AWESOME!! We saw jellyfish and made sure to not touch them! I didn't get a picture of them while we were there. :(
We ate lunch on the beach and while we were there we got to see dolphins swimming in the water pretty close to the shore.

They spent so much time in the water. It was so much fun. Jim and Ellie got pretty sunburned :( (Mom apparently isn't so good at applying sunscreen) 

There was an amazing thunderstorm that night while we were in the hotel room. Lightening and thunder right overhead. Pouring Rain. I love the thunderstorms here! They are so fun to watch. 

Random Thoughts

I've had lots of random thoughts swirling around in my head for awhile now. I've been meaning to write this post and keep telling myself I need to just sit down and write but my procrastination (fancy word for just plain lazy) keeps kicking in and I never get it written. I've decided to force myself to just sit down and write....

I think I've mentioned before that I suffer from Very low self esteem. I have for most of my life. All I've ever wanted to do was to have people like me. Not just certain people but EVERYONE. Everyone has to like me or there's something wrong with me. (Now logically, I know this isn't true. I know it's not possible or fair to expect everyone to like me. But that evil voice inside my head keeps telling me this)

I also hate to fail. Its not that I'm competitive. In fact, I feel bad if I win because then someone else loses but I also feel bad if I lose. (kinda takes the fun out of playing games huh? lol) The hating to fail part of me can be very crippling at times. Instead of risk failing at something 9 times out of 10 I will chose not to do it so I don't have to worry about failure or looking bad or whatever.

I struggle with this in my photography. I'm so afraid of not being good enough. Not having people want to hire me or like my pictures etc that part of me doesn't want to actually forge ahead with the business end of this. (Plus I struggle with not feeling like I'm good enough. I do try not to compare myself to others. I know that is detrimental to me but there are times I can't help it.) I compare myself to all levels of photographers. Even ones who've had YEARS of experience.

I look at their thriving businesses and wish I had that. Then I remember the risk it takes, You have to put yourself out there. You have to interact with people. You have to risk not being liked. Nope, Not there yet. All I can see is that I'm not good enough. I don't know flash well enough (I still can't seem to grasp it and so far I have yet to have a class that really explains it. They sort of explain it but they don't get totally in depth with it and it just hasn't clicked yet. The pieces are starting to come together but I feel like I'm missing a ton of the pieces so it just doesn't come together completely.) I  don't know how to come up with the great poses. I don't know many great locations.... I could come up with a million reasons I'm not good enough.

I know I am the thing that is holding me back from being successful. I know if I could overcome ME I could do it. But there is one thing I am strong at it's weakness. My weakness and self doubt is so strong that its overwhelming. There are days it takes over everything I do. There are other days that it stays quiet, lurking in the background, waiting for the right moment to take over.

I want to be self confident, self assure, strong, and successful. I'm just not sure how to overcome this. I've felt this way for as long as I can remember. How do you change the way you've thought for 35 years?

I'm not sure where I thought this post was going to go but I didn't think this was where it was headed. I thought it was going to go with my Agoraphobia but apparently this is what was supposed to come out instead.

Strengths and Weaknesses

Turns out children are individuals. They are TOTALLY different. Even twins are completely different.

Back Story:
We've had a long last couple of days. Saturday night we went to a friends house and the kids didn't go to bed until almost 10:30 which is way past bed time. Then yesterday we went to my parents house and they played with a bunch of their cousins. We got home about 7 which is pretty much bed time. Needless to say the kids were EXHAUSTED.

All of them needed showers before they went to bed so we were preparing for that. I told Ellie to pick out jammies and get ready to take a shower. She didn't want to pick out jammies. Then she wanted someone to be with her. This turned into a full blown tantrum. Ellie tantrums are exhausting and frustrating (as most of them are.) But this little girl is determined, smart, stubborn, and persistent. She will continue to cry/ask for the same thing over and over during a tantrum. You can ask her a question and she refuses to answer it. She will continue to repeat the same statement over and over. I know this sounds like a regular tantrum, but and Ellie tantrum is worse than a Ben tantrum or a Will tantrum. An Ellie tantrum is a battle of wills. And hers is STRONG. Which is something that I love about her. I want her to always have that determination and strong will. We have had to learn how to deal with it. She needs to know there are boundaries. She needs to know that she is being heard and is allowed to be angry but she has to learn to control it. She needs consistency. She's like a wild mare. She has so much strength and power in her she just needs to know how to reign it in when needed. She needs to know who is in control and how far she is allowed to push things. If you give into her tantrums she is ten times worse the next time. When she learns to control her determination, strong will, persistence and stubbornness she will go far in life. Jim is amazing dealing with her. He is patient and strong. He knows how to calm her down and he's able to help her to control her anger. I learn so much from watching him with her.

Will is totally different than her. He gets overwhelmed easily. He is super sensitive and super smart. He is surprisingly smart. When he gets upset he freaks out. His isn't because he wants to control the situation like his sister. He does want things to go his way but not because he wants to control things. In dealing with Will you have to remove him from the situation. When he gets upset its like his senses have gone on overload. Even if you gave him what he wanted he'd still have a hard time calming down. He needs to completely leave the room. Sometimes you have to sit with him and have him take big deep breaths. We have to help him refocus his frustration.

Ben is very emotional. He is very caring and loving. Trust is very big with him. If you tell him something is going to happen it NEEDS to happen. He has a hard time understanding when you tell him "no" its for a reason it's not just because you don't love him. He takes every "no" personally. With Ben you have to explain to him the reason you are telling him no and let him know that you still love him he just can't do x, y or z. He wants to please everyone. He is very concerned about people liking him - whether its us, his friends, his teachers, etc. With him we need to help him gain more self confidence.

Our kids are so unique. They are all so much fun and we love them each so much. Its quite a learning experience in handling each one of them. What works with one doesn't work with another. In fact sometimes what is the right thing to do with one of them is complete wrong thing to do for the other. I'm so grateful that I have such a wonderful husband who is so patient with them (and me).

Love Languages

Quite a while ago I came across the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. (I thought I wrote a whole blog post on this a couple years ago but it seems I didn't.) Well I came across it again recently and decided to retake the assessment (especially since I have no idea what I got last time)

Here is a quote from the website that kind of explains the Love Language concept.

After many years of counseling, Dr. Chapman noticed a pattern: everyone he had ever counseled had a “love language,” a primary way of expressing and interpreting love. He also discovered that, for whatever reason, people are usually drawn to those who speak a different love language than their own.

Of the countless ways we can show love to one another, five key categories, or five love languages, proved to be universal and comprehensive—everyone has a love language, and we all identify primarily with one of the five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

I wasn't totally surprised by my results. Here are my results: 

12	Words of Affirmation
7	Physical Touch
6	Quality Time
5	Receiving Gifts
0	Acts of Service

Your Love Language

Words of Affirmation

The highest score indicates your primary love language (the highest score is 12). It’s not uncommon to have two high scores, although one language does have a slight edge for most people. That just means two languages are important to you.
The lower scores indicate those languages you seldom use to communicate love and which probably don’t affect you very much on an emotional level. Click Next to learn more about your primary love language and how to put it to use.

Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Quality Time

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

Hubby also took the assessment. His results were

11	Physical Touch
6	Words of Affirmation
6	Quality Time
6	Acts of Service
1	Receiving Gifts

At least our to two are the same although in reverse. I don't think that Acts of Service is really 0 for me. I took it again and these are my second results: (I think they stay generally the same but some move up or down a little depending on your mood)

11	Words of Affirmation
8	Quality Time
7	Physical Touch
2	Receiving Gifts
2	Acts of Service

This is useful information to have. I learned that getting up and giving my hubby a kiss when he gets home work from or leaves is HUGE in his book. Every day I would make a point to put a note in his lunch box telling him I loved him and I hope he had a great day. I learned that the hug and kiss has way more impact than the note. I also learned how important words are to me. I need to be told I'm loved and appreciated.

Interesting stuff.... If you would like to take the assessment for yourself here's the link Love Language Quiz

11	Words of Affirmation
8	Quality Time
2	Receiving Gifts
2	Acts of Service
7	Physical Touch

10 Things I Love About My Husband

My husband really is an amazing man. I grew up with all the same dreams most little girls have. Marry a prince, have lots of babies, live happily ever after. Thats the way things work isn't it? Well my husband may not be a prince in the technical sense of the word (Unless he is and he's just hiding all those untold riches, which means we need to have a LONG talk ;) ) But he is my Prince Charming.

There is so much that I love about this guy that I figured I would narrow it down to the 10.

1. I love that he loves me in spite of me.

This may sound weird. But if you knew me you'd know I have pretty low self esteem and that in turn can make me somewhat hard to live with. I know its frustrating to him that I don't believe in myself and that I have a hard time understanding why someone would love me but he does.

2. He has amazing patience with our kids.

Kids can be difficult at times. They all have different personalities (Its almost like they are totally unique little people! Crazy huh? :) ) They all require different parenting techniques. One of our children is super sensitive. This child needs help calming down. It's a challenge for me - especially when I am angry or upset with said child. Yelling at this particular child only escalates the situation. Hubby is really great about getting down to eye level with this child and calming the child down. (I specifically am not naming names about said child)

3. He sacrifices so much for our family.

There have been times that he has worked two jobs or worked full time and gone to school full time so he could provide for our family. He works so hard and his work ethic is something that every employer would want.

4. He is one of the smartest people I've ever met.

There isn't a question that I've asked him that he doesn't have an answer for. He is a human calculator. He can do huge math problems just in his head. I used to car pool to work with a coworker and we would come up with questions on the ride to work just so we could call him and get the answers.

5. He is FREAKIN HILARIOUS!!!

Anyone who has ever met my hubby knows that he is the funniest guy EVER. He can make just about anyone laugh. Some of my favorite times are just when we sit together laughing. He is so quick on his feet too. He usually has a comeback for everything.

6. He knows how to say I'm sorry.

One thing that I've learned from him over the years is how to say I'm sorry. He is willing to admit when he is wrong and apologize for it. This is rare from what I hear.

7. I'm never stranded

I know that if I get lost I can call him and he will be there to talk me back home.

8. He can fix ANYTHING

If there is a problem with my car - he can fix it.

If there is something broken in the house - he can fix it.

If I am down/sad/depressed - he's usually able to bring me out of it.

If something is wrong with the dog or cat - he knows what to do.

If we were in the middle of the zombie apocalypse - I'd want him next to me because I know I'd be safe.

9. He believes in me

He is my biggest fan. He loves my photography and my sewing projects. He tells me I'm smart and that I can finish school.

10. He sleeps cuddled up next to me.

I know most people don't sleep this way but I love it. I love that he will sleep with his arms around me and his legs tangled up in mine. Even during the winter when my body temperature is below freezing.

To make a long post short, too late I really am the luckiest woman in the world. I know I haven't always appreciated him the way that I should. I know in the past I've forgotten what a great man I have.  I haven't always been the best wife I could have been and I know I've made some horrible mistakes in my life. I'm not sure what I did to deserve such an amazing husband but I'm glad I have him. He is my protector, my comedian, my lover, my best friend, my shoulder to cry on, my rock, my everything.

I love you baby and I hope to have 80 more years together to show you how much I love you.

Life gets in the way

I've been wanting to start up blogging again but then I either:

• get lazy
• get super busy
• procrastinate
• get overwhelmed
• have writers block
• or have a million and one other excuses that I could come up with.

There is an old saying "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" I'm pretty sure I know where I'm going to end up. I have every intention of keeping up with this blog but somedays I just can't seem to do it.

Lets see what has been going on I started another semester at school. This semester I'm taking Intermediate Photography and Wedding and Special Events. Something I have discovered about myself. As much as I would like to believe I am a positive person, as much as I try to think positively - in reality I'm actually very negative. This is something that was pointed out to me awhile ago by a friend who told me I wasn't a very happy person. I brushed it off thinking she didn't know what she was talking about. But doing some self reflection and talking to hubby I've learned she is right. I tend to complain ALOT. Even about things that I love. I don't seem to look on the bright side of things and in fact I'm able to see the dark cloud inspite of the silver lining. This is somethings I don't like about myself. I am making a concious effort to try to change my attitude. I'm trying to focus on the things that are going right as opposed to the things that are going wrong.

What else has been happening? Hubby decided to take a break from Facebook recently. I know what you're thinking. "That's crazy?! How can anyone take a break from Facebook? How would I keep up with my friends? How will I know when something is going on? How will I share this hilarious picture/story/video/website, etc? What will I do if I'm having a bad day and need someone to lift me up? Who will I tell that I'm going to the gym/what I'm eating for dinner/that I'm heading to bed?" The crazy thing is he doesn't really miss it. I'm actually thinking of following his lead. I've already limited my time on Facebook to about 10 minutes total a day. I realized how dependant I had become on the validation I received from everyone else.
Hubby and I realized that we weren't putting much effort into our relationship because we were relying on Facebook. We could message each other on Facebook. We would log on to Facebook at night and check in on everyone we knew but we wouldn't just sit next to each other and get to know each other. Its hard to break the Facebook habit. Its an addiction. I haven't been able to quit cold turkey but I am weaning myself.

I have lots more to write about but I don't want this to get to long or end up writing everything in one post and then ending up with no posts for another six months or so.

Mother's Day

I had such a nice Mother's Day. I spent the day with my family at my mom and dad's house. My cousin and his wife and their kids were there along with my aunt and uncle. It was such a nice way to spend the day. We went to church with my parents in the morning and then went back to their house for a barbeque.

Hubby gave me my present the night before because he knew we would be gone all day. I got a Smash book!!! If you don't know what one is, they are awesome! They are like scrabooks and journals "smashed" together lol Smash Book. I saw them awhile ago at JoAnn's and have been wanting one ever since. I saw them again at Target (for cheaper than JoAnn's) I love it so much!! I've been having so much fun with mine. Hubby got me a regular sized one and a mini one. I've already got the regular sized one 75% filled lol.


This is my book (as you can see I'm already filling it in)

 The pen! One side is a pen and one side is a glue stick!!! How awesome is that!

 Smash Pads. These are little pads of paper with ideas on certain themes.

Examples of some of the pads.

 Pockets you can buy to glue in the book to keep stuff you don't want to put glue on

 another page from my book

 Tabs and clips

 The pages are all pretty and some have ideas on them as well. Some of the ideas I use some I cover up with other stuff. LOL

I love these books so much and I already know I'm gonna have to buy another one soon.  I really do have the best hubby in the whole world. I am so grateful to be his wife and to be the mother to his children. I couldn't have asked for a better husband.

Help!!!

How do I get them out of my bed?! They all go to sleep in their own rooms. (Well, Ben in one room, Will and Ellie in the other.) They all have the same bedtime routine:

Bath(or shower)
Teeth brushed
Potty
Drink
Story
Song
Prayer
Then Mommy or Daddy leave the room and they fall asleep on their owns. Everything is great until about 2 in the morning. They are like ninja's. Some nights we have no idea when they come in our room until the inevitable happens - they get too hot and want to sleep in between us on TOP of the blankets, meaning we dont get any blankets. or they start squirming and kicking and wanting to sleep on top of mommy.

We have a queen sized bed which is WAY to small for two overweight (but working on it!! :) ) adults, a 6 year old who hates covers, a 4 year old who loves sleeping at the middle of the bed - usually in between my knees with his head on my thigh, and a 4 year old who has to sleep on the edge of the bed but you have to hold her so she doesn't feel like she's falling off.

I'm tired People!!! I don't get enough sleep because of the circus in my bed and neither does Jim which makes him grumpy. That in turn puts me in a bad mood.

They have always slept in their own rooms. (Well Ben shared our room when the twins were born but he had his own area). Come to think of it that's around the time he started coming into our bed. He was about 2. The twins didn't start coming to our bed until they were about 3. Its not because of nightmares or bad dreams or anything like that, they just wake up and waltz on into our room.

Help!!! Any ideas, suggestions, therapy, etc, would be greatly appreciated!!! I want my bed back!!

(Disclaimer - I have no issue with people who choose to cosleep. It can be a wonderful thing and if it is what works for your family - more power to you. This is not working for our family.)

Getting Healthy

About a month ago Jim told me he has been having chest pains. He said one night it woke him up in the middle of the night and it felt like someone was sitting on his chest. Understandably I freaked out. We got him an appointment with our PP to see what she had to say.
He went for his appointment and his blood pressure was 145/110 (Normal is 120/80) Needless to say they were worried too. They did a resting EKG and the results came back normal but she wanted him to go to a cardiologist anyway.
He kind of put off calling the cardiologist. Until he talked to his dad one Saturday (who had a heart attack at 57) his dad told him that His dad (Jim's Grandpa) died of a heart attack at 54 and both of his grandparents on Jim's mom's side died of heart attacks. His dad said "You are calling the cardiologist on Monday" So Jim did (thank you Dad!) They got him right in that same week.
The doctor said he had a textbook cast of CAD. He scheduled Jim for a Stress Test and told him if that came back abnormal they would do an angiogram. Of course at this point I freak out even more. The doctor told Jim to take one aspirin a day and put him on two blood pressure medications. On top of that he has to cut out all energy drinks, caffeine and limit himself to one drink a day.
They did the Stress test last week and thankfully everything came back normal. His blood pressure is closer to the normal range now as well. He has to go back to the cardiologist in three months to recheck everything.
He also got the results of his cholesterol test. His LDL which is supposed to be between 70-100 was 140 so he's on cholesterol meds now too.
Needless to say we've been forced decided to make some lifestyle changes. We've both joined Weight Watchers and are working on losing weight and eating better.

If you've been following me for a while you will know I did WW 3 years ago My abandoned WW blog and was very successful at it. From my highest weight (the day I delivered the twins) at 282, I was able to drop 101 lbs. My lowest weight was 181 in Oct of 2009. Unfortunately I didn't go into it with exactly the correct frame of mind. I kept telling myself when I got down to my goal weight I'd be able to eat whatever I wanted again. WRONG!!! I needed to actually make a lifestyle change and change the way I looked at food completely. Not "until I got to my goal weight" My goal weight was around 170 I believe so I got close but I plateaued and instead of kicking it into high gear I started slacking. Then I just couldn't get myself back into it. I weighed in on Monday at 220.6lbs.(OMG!! How did that happen? Nevermind, I know how it happened)

We've been faithfully doing WW for two days now (Hey, it's something) and as of this morning I'm down to 219.0! Doesn't sound like much but I'm excited - it's 1 1/2 lbs in two days. Jim's going to pick up a treadmill tonight so we both can start doing that.

Here's to getting healthy and fit!!!

Does it get easier?

One of my main questions when the twins were born was always "Does it get easier?" I remember people would stop me when I was out with all of the kids and they would say "I have twins too! But mine are XX age now" I would always ask them my most pressing question (especially when the twins were under a year) "Does it ever get easier?" They would always give me that knowing look and say "it gets easier in some ways and harder in others"

You know what? They were right. I have to say that first year was the hardest. When the twins were babies it took everything out of me just to make it through each day. Especially with Will's reflux. When he had a bad day I wasn't sure how I was going to survive. Lack of sleep, three kids needing their mom, a house that needed cleaning, a husband working two jobs, hoping to shower at least every once in awhile, etc. Saying it was hard is an understatement.

Years two and three were easier but hard in their own ways. Terrible twos x two was not fun. Potty training x two - an adventure (although Ellie only took about a week. Will still has issues at times)

The twins are now 4 and Ben is 6. I have to say it really is a lot easier now. We still have temper tantrums and learning to share issues. But over all I have to say IT DOES GET EASIER!!!

They are now (not that they weren't always) very opinionated. Now they can voice them and they do - Loudly at times. But they are so much fun! It's been awesome to see their personalities develop. All three of them are so different. They all have a great sense of humor and make me laugh every day. I love how much they love each other. With three there does seem to be one left out alot of the time. Usually it's Will but he's pretty content to play with his Thomas Trains alone. He loves trains and waterfalls.  Ben and Ellie are usually off playing Avengers. (She is quite the tomboy. She HATES all things girly and is convinced she is someday going to marry Captain America lol) Ben is in first grade and loves Math and science. He doesn't love writing but likes to read.

If I could give a new twin parent any advice it would be

• Remember this too shall pass. The first year is hard.
• Recruit as much help as possible.
• Find time for yourself to rejuvinate you. It will benefit your children as much as yourself.
• You are not alone in this.
• Dont try to do it all.
• Take as many pictures as you can - the time really does fly quickly and you will forget how tiny they used to be.
• Hug your babies often.
• Encourage your children to grow up to be whatever THEY want to be. Not whatever YOU want them to be. Everyone will be much happier.

I am no way an expert on raising twins but I did survive the first four years and you will too!!

Pretending

I'm going to start off by saying this post is going to be a lot of rambling. I just have to get these thoughts out of my head and I figured this was the perfect place to throw them.

For as long as I can remember I have always felt out of place. I don't really have a place that I fit in. Now days its the grownup world that I don't feel like I fit into. I still feel like I'm 17 and now I'm just pretending to be an adult. Sometimes I worry that someone is going to show up and call my bluff.

I feel like a kid in adults clothing. Pretending to be something I'm not. It's weird to be 33 (which I can never remember. It always takes me a little while to figure out how old I really am) but still feel like I'm 17. I keep wondering when that grownup feeling will kick in.

I have 3 kids. I've bought 2 homes and sold 1. I've 7 owned cars. I pay bills pretty responsibly. I've been married for going on 11 years now. I'm technically an adult. So when do I start feeling like one?

Over protective Mom

I have come to realize I am an overprotective mom. I hate having my children out of my sight (execpt with people I trust 100%) If we are in the store and they walk a little too far down the aisle ahead of me I start to panic. I don't like to have them go to friends houses without me. This isn't really a problem yet because Ben's only 5 so it doesn't really happen yet. But I don't see it getting any better when he gets older. I don't like to take walks with them or take them to the park because its really overwhelming for me to keep all three of them within my reach at all times.

Logically I know the chance of someone reaching out and grabbing them is rare but my illogical/emotional brain can't understand that. I am jealous of easy going laid back parents who can let their children run free. I feel like I am doing a disservice to my kids by not letting them have a little more room. I just don't know how to fix this.

I feel pretty safe in our house. I can let them be a little more free. I just wish I knew how to do it outside. Don't get me wrong I have no desire to just let them completely run amok. I don't want my kids to be "those kids" but I would like to trust the outside world a little bit more. To at least be able to take them for walks or to the park without being convinced, if they are more than 6 or 8 feet from me, that someone is going to drive up and kidnap them.

Please tell me I'm not the only mom like this. And if you have any advice I'd LOVE to hear it!

Is this thing on?

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Is this thing still on? I really am here. I know its been awhile since I last posted. I've been having a rough last couple months. I weaned the twins right after their 2nd birthday (Yep, They really are 2 now!! Where has the time gone? I will have to try to go back and at least do a birthday post for them but I'm not going to make any promises because I can't guaranttee anything (apparently I can't spell either). But I am going to try.) After I weaned them I started slipping into depression. In high school I suffered from depression. I was on Paxil and then Prozac from the time I was 17 until after we got married. I haven't been on any medication since before I got pregnant with Ben. I've done really well though. In the past 5 years I've done 4 cycles of IVF, been pregnant for 17 months, and nursed for 40 months. So my hormones (understandably) have been completely out of whack for awhile. (Maybe out of whack works for me though since I felt better during that time than I have most of my life hahaha)

Since I've weaned them and my hormones have gone back to "normal" things have gone downhill. Let me preface this by saying I never once wanted to hurt my children or myself (or anyone else for that matter). I did not enjoy being a mom. My kids drove me NUTS. I would lose my patience with them alot. I did not enjoy being a wife or a stay at home mom. I was completely unhappy. I put on 20 lbs because I had no motivation. I did the bare minimum around the house (did I mention we bought a house? Another post I need to write) My kids were always dressed and fed but that was about it. I was stuck in my head alot. I wanted to run away from it all. I wanted my old life back. No kids, no responsibilities, no bills, etc. I knew something had to change. But I didn't have the motivation to change it. I couldn't bring myself to pay the bills even though there was money in the account. I just couldn't do it. We got late fees because I couldn't pay them on time. I would finally force myself to pay them after awhile but rarely ever on time. I would sit down to pay them and not be able to physically bring myself to do it. I would lay awake at night worrying about them making myself sick. But still couldn't pay them.

Finally two weeks ago I went to the doctor. My mom told me she was really worried about me and would watch my kids so I could go. I explained the situation to the doctor and she put me on Effexor. The first week was hard. I had headaches and didn't feel the medicine was doing much. I had more motivation but still didn't feel like it was helping. I'm now on week two of the medication and can feel a difference. I still have sporadic headaches, plus hot flashes and I'm a little more tired than normal but I can FEEL a mental difference. I have motivation to clean my house, my bills are paid, I've lost 7 lbs and I'm feeling better.

Things are looking up and hopefully I'll be motivated to keep up with this blog as well. (if this post is any indication then I should be.... lol) I haven't been able to get myself to update this either. I would sit down and open the website but not be able to physically bring myself to type anything. We'll see how this goes....

Just bear with me while I'm trying to figure out myself and my life.. :)

Christmas Tree Farm

For the first time ever we decided to get a real Christmas tree. We debated just going to one of the many Christmas Tree farms on the side of the road but then we remembered there is a HUGE Christmas Tree farm about a half hour from us. So we bundled all the kids up (relative term. It was cold to us. - probably in the 50s - 60s. I know that's nothing to most of you but we're not used to the cold. :) )

We were lucky when we got there that Santa and Mrs. Claus were there visiting.

Ben got to ride on a pony. The pony was named Spot. We were a little unsure of how he'd do but he LOVED it.

I love this one. He looks so little yet so big.

They had a petting zoo as well. We didn't take the babies in with the little goats. They jumped on quite a few of the people in there and I didn't think that it would be safe (or fun) to try to hold all three kids in there. (Ben didn't want down most of the time.)

Babies watching from the outside.

Looking at the giant turtles

This cracked me up. If you read the sign it says "DO NOT TOUCH THIS ANIMAL" The gate was wide open. Kept looking around for that animal.

I love this one of the twins. They are just so happy in this pic. They really did great. They seemed to have tons of fun.

"Big smiles"

Will and Ellie at their own "petting zoo"

Ben thought this Reindeer was awesome

Picking out the Christmas Tree

Found it!

I love that they were oblivious to Santa right behind them.

Bringing the tree to the car

Santa and Mrs. Claus leaving (Can you see the antlers on their truck?!)

Tree is loaded and ready to go!

Goofy Ellie

Silly Will

Santa leaving. Note the license plate.

It was such a fun time. I loved having a real Christmas tree. I can't wait to do this again next year and start it as a family tradition.