Thursday, August 05, 2010

Is this thing on?

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Is this thing still on? I really am here. I know its been awhile since I last posted. I've been having a rough last couple months. I weaned the twins right after their 2nd birthday (Yep, They really are 2 now!! Where has the time gone? I will have to try to go back and at least do a birthday post for them but I'm not going to make any promises because I can't guaranttee anything (apparently I can't spell either). But I am going to try.) After I weaned them I started slipping into depression. In high school I suffered from depression. I was on Paxil and then Prozac from the time I was 17 until after we got married. I haven't been on any medication since before I got pregnant with Ben. I've done really well though. In the past 5 years I've done 4 cycles of IVF, been pregnant for 17 months, and nursed for 40 months. So my hormones (understandably) have been completely out of whack for awhile. (Maybe out of whack works for me though since I felt better during that time than I have most of my life hahaha)

Since I've weaned them and my hormones have gone back to "normal" things have gone downhill. Let me preface this by saying I never once wanted to hurt my children or myself (or anyone else for that matter). I did not enjoy being a mom. My kids drove me NUTS. I would lose my patience with them alot. I did not enjoy being a wife or a stay at home mom. I was completely unhappy. I put on 20 lbs because I had no motivation. I did the bare minimum around the house (did I mention we bought a house? Another post I need to write) My kids were always dressed and fed but that was about it. I was stuck in my head alot. I wanted to run away from it all. I wanted my old life back. No kids, no responsibilities, no bills, etc. I knew something had to change. But I didn't have the motivation to change it. I couldn't bring myself to pay the bills even though there was money in the account. I just couldn't do it. We got late fees because I couldn't pay them on time. I would finally force myself to pay them after awhile but rarely ever on time. I would sit down to pay them and not be able to physically bring myself to do it. I would lay awake at night worrying about them making myself sick. But still couldn't pay them.

Finally two weeks ago I went to the doctor. My mom told me she was really worried about me and would watch my kids so I could go. I explained the situation to the doctor and she put me on Effexor. The first week was hard. I had headaches and didn't feel the medicine was doing much. I had more motivation but still didn't feel like it was helping. I'm now on week two of the medication and can feel a difference. I still have sporadic headaches, plus hot flashes and I'm a little more tired than normal but I can FEEL a mental difference. I have motivation to clean my house, my bills are paid, I've lost 7 lbs and I'm feeling better.

Things are looking up and hopefully I'll be motivated to keep up with this blog as well. (if this post is any indication then I should be.... lol) I haven't been able to get myself to update this either. I would sit down and open the website but not be able to physically bring myself to type anything. We'll see how this goes....

Just bear with me while I'm trying to figure out myself and my life.. :)

4 comments:

* said...
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Julie W said...

So glad you are starting to feel better! Hope things continue to improve for you and I am looking forward to your next post!

Marcy said...

I'm glad you're starting to feel better, and I hope things continue to improve for you. Keep us updated on how things are going for you!!!

joven said...
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