Expectations

I have found as a parent you have to throw out all your expectations.

Before you have kids (as least this is true for me) I KNEW exactly how things were going to be.
My kids wouldn't be THOSE kids. Mine would listen and never talk back. They would be confident and self assured. They would eat everything I told them to. They would have perfect teeth and sleep all through the night from day one. They would never throw tantrums, especially not in the store. They would always stay near the cart and never whine. They wouldn't have pacifiers after the first year. They would would be potty trained by two.
My girls would be girlie. They would love to dress up in pretty dresses. They would play with barbies and babies, They would love princess movies and all things princess-ey. But they would be tough. They would be able defend themselves as well.
My boys would be tough too. They would love cars and superheros. They would love to build things. They would love bugs and dogs. But they would be sweet. They would bring me flowers and give me kisses.

In addition to all of this I knew that even if they weren't exactly what I expected I could at least control me. I knew that because I had gone through infertility and desperately wanted these precious children, that I would always be loving and patient with them. I wouldn't yell or scream.

Like I said you have to throw out all of your expectations. There are many times that my children really are THOSE children. They do throw tantrums, even in the store. I am routinuely outnumbered so I do lose my patience with them more than I'd like to admit. They are some of the world's pickiest eaters. The twins still have pacifiers (although they know Saturday is the last day for them) They aren't potty trained. (We are slowly working on that.)

Ellie is no where near a girlie girl lol. She hates dresses, princesses, barbies, and baby dolls (most of the time). She loves Captain America, superheros, ninjas, zombies, pirates, swords, guns, and the color pink. She is tougher than tough. She is my daredevil who will usually try anything. She is a spitfire and is my child who loves "potty talk." She thinks the word poop is HILARIOUS.

It used to bother  me a little that Ellie wasn't as girlie as I had expected, but it doesn't bother me anymore. I'd still love to dress her in pretty dresses but I get such a kick out of seeing what she comes up with. She's so much fun. There"s never a dull moment around here.

Life isnt what I expected but I couldn't imagine it any other way.

I Googled Myself

So I did a google search of myself today. Most of the results were things along the lines of "the melody frees my soul" and things like that. But there were a couple that were actually related to me. Some brought back tons of memories.  

When we lived in Phoenix we were interviewed for a newspaper article on infertility. Apparently that article was used in another article as well. If you don't want to read the whole article here is the part about us:

"As long as I can remember, all I've ever wanted was to become a mother and have lots of babies," says 26-year-old Melody Frees of Litchfield Park, in the Phoenix area of Arizona, who learned in 2002 that her fallopian tubes are blocked, leaving her infertile. "I see parents with babies, and I wonder if we will ever know the joy of having a child of our own."  .....

Mixed messages from doctors, misplaced medical files, and numerous go-rounds with insurance companies taught Frees, the Litchfield Park woman who, at 26, should be in the prime of her fertility, and her husband, Jim, to take notes, make copies of their records, ask questions, and find answers.

The Freeses tried to borrow money to pay for in vitro fertilization (IVF), but were denied, so they moved from Southern California to Litchfield Park in August 2003, found new jobs and plan to buy a home. They'll take out a second mortgage to pay for IVF, starting in 2004, and will do no more than two cycles. The cost will be about $20,000.

Finding out his wife couldn't have children without first having a tubal ligation to remove toxic fluid in the tubes that could hurt a fetus was a blow to Jim. "I'm a fixer. I need to fix things that are broken," he says. "But there was nothing I could ever say or do to turn this around and make it better."

It was interesting to read knowing what I know now. Since that time we've done 4 cycles of IVF and now have 3 children.

I also found the article in People magazine that talked about the INCIID program that allowed us to do the first two cycles. (This one only has the article. It doesn't have the pictures of us) Here is the one that has the pictures.

I remember the hopelessness of not knowing if we'd ever have babies. For Christmas one year our families got together and raised money to put into a "baby fund" for us. On the card they put this poem.

Hope  

When roses lose their loveliness  
When rivers cease to flow;  
When sunlight fails to warm the air,   
When stars no longer glow.  

When birds cannot take to flight,  
When a ruby's luster fades;  
When leaves refuse to fall from boughs,  
When trees cannot give shade.  

When fields of flowers wither,  
When clouds cease making rain;  
When mountain ranges cast no shadows,   
When prairies cannot grow grain.  

When these natural wonders end,  
When there's no  dusk or dawn;  
When all life's miracles cease to be....  

...Only then will my hope be gone.   

 

 I'm so grateful to be where I am now. I'm so thankful for everyone who helped us get to the point we are at now. Without them we wouldn't have the beautiful family we have now.

All that reflection because I decided to google myself.

I would die for that

I've had writers block for a couple weeks now. I have a post started that I promise I will get up in the next day or so. Its basically an update as to our life recently. But in the mean time...

Today has been kind of a rough day. Babies are cranky. Ben has been whiney. Babies took two very short naps and woke up screaming/crying. Ben actually took a nap which means he will be up later tonight. I have tons of baby laundry I need to fold and a house to clean. Needless to say I was feeling a little overwhelmed and to be honest not very happy about being a mom. Then I came across this:



It describes me four years ago perfectly. It put everything back into perspective. I am so thrilled I have been given this chance to be a mother to these three perfect little souls. This is exactly what I've always wanted. It helped to bring me back and remember what I went through to get to this point.

I would die for that.

Randomness

Random #1

I get so busy with the twins that I've had to come up with things that Ben can do on his own. I went to Target the other day and got him a Rubbermaid tote and a bunch of plastic fish, rubber duckies and boats. I fill the Rubbermaid tote up with water and let him play with all of it on the porch. Yesterday I heard him call me while he was out there so I looked and this is what I found...

The poor boy's swimming pool

Random #2

I love living behind my parents (we live in a guest house in their back yard) It really has come in handy while having the twins. Either Ben, the twins and I go up to visit them or they come to visit us just about every night. It's so nice to have extra hands in helping with the babies. Ben loves his "Branka" (Grandpa) and Grandma. I don't think I could have survived the last two months without their help. My mom comes out every other night to help give the babies a bath and every morning to pack my c-section incision - after 2 months it still isn't completely healed. 2 weeks after the c-section they had to reopen it because it was healing from the outside first. They said it would take 6-8 weeks to heal. It's been 10 weeks and still not healed. grrr)

Three of my favorite men.

My dad, Ben and Will

Random #3

On June 30 2003 we found out we hadn't gotten selected for the INCIID the Heart program (an IVF scholarship program) This is what I wrote on my website from that day

"Well they made their decision and picked four of the seven applicants and we were not among the four. I don't know how I can handle this. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my body. I feel like my chance at Motherhood keeps slipping further and further away. It gets close every now and then, almost within reach but then it gets ripped away right out of my hands. I never thought someone could feel this much pain. I feel like I've miscarried again. Am I not fit to be a mother? Would we not be good parents? Why were we chosen for this path? It's such a horrible thought that we may never be able to give our parents grandchildren. We may never know the joy of holding our own child. We may never have our own grandchildren. Our branch of the family tree just may end here. Oh how I don't want that to happen. I want to wake up every night with crying babies. I want to kiss their tears away and calm their fears. I want to be able to share in first teeth, first words and first steps. I want to hear someone say "Mommy" and have them talking about me. I want to be able to give Jim babies and make him a Dad. I wonder if it will ever happen. Part of me dies a little every time we get rejected"

On August 30, 2003 we were selected for the program and now 5 years later we are the proud parents of 3 kids. I don't think I ever believed we'd have 3 kids. I desperately wanted at least one and couldn't bear to look past that. My children are my life and I am so grateful for them. I feel so blessed. I can't imagine my life any other way.

Holding my Babies